Sex & Relationships …

“Sex and Relationships…” For some couples, those two words don’t even seem right together… But why is that? Well, I don’t know how to explain it, but at some point, that spark or flame begins to dim and for others, it simply goes out. Sadly, some never get it back.

It’s funny how sex is one of the most prominent things in the very beginning of a relationship or least something we’re constantly craving and desiring from the other person, but once we finally have that person at our disposal it’s like we don’t want it from them anymore. It’s equivalent to having cable with one channel.

A few weeks back, one of my male friends sent me a text message. It read, “Hey! We really need to talk.” and while that does not seem so alarming, it was to me because he’s been dealing with a lot of personal things.

I text him back that I’d call him once I wasn’t driving. When I called him, I was prepared to listen and to simply be a friend. At first, we did the normal quick catch up convo on ‘how are you?’ ‘How are the kids?’ and so on. So finally, I said,

“So what’s up?” He took a deep breath and began to talk. He started saying how good things have been with his wife and the kids. I immediately told him that was good news and then he said,

“But damn it! We haven’t had any sex!” There was a long pause on my end. “Hello? You still there?” He asked.

“Ummm… I’m still here.” I muttered.

“Oh. Did you hear what I said?” He asked. I heard him loud and clear. I was trying to gather the right words. I didn’t feel like I had any answers or a good response at the moment. So he continued to speak. “Well… The thing is, I’m thinking of stepping out. Ya know, perhaps find me another woman for sex.” Again, there was silence on my end and then I began to speak.

“Let me start by saying that I am not the person to give any advice. But I can tell you that having sex with another woman won’t do your marriage any good. If your goal is to grow the intimacy within your marriage, having sex with another woman won’t help. Have you tried talking to her?” I asked him. But then I began thinking about how the topic of sex only makes matters worse when you speak to your spouse about how they need to put out more. This seems to be mostly an issue men deal with. I don’t know too many women who’ve had an issue getting sex from their spouse.

A woman simply doesn’t operate the same as men. We are emotional beings and thus must be stimulated beyond the physical. Whereas it seems like, if the wind blows a certain way, men are erect and ready to go with one touch or kiss. So if we’re pissed off or tired, you’re probably going to have to just deal with it. But, we’re easily excited by chores being done around the house, foot and back rubs. And when all else fails, cunnilingus will certainly do the trick.

So how do we bring sex and marriage back together? A big part of me believes you can’t, but I know it can be done. It starts with looking at the bigger picture and root cause for your lack of intimacy.

Ask yourself: Are you mad and holding on to something your spouse or partner said or did. Are you or your spouse still healing from past trauma? And lastly, was the sex ever good, to begin with? Of course, these are just a few of baseline questions that many couples may face. But it’s important to know that the change can only begin with you and your partner .

How I learned The N-Word…

     It was a beautiful autumn day in 1984. I was shopping with my mom at Caldors, now replaced by a store called K-Mart. I don’t know what we originally went to buy, but we ended up buying a big black leather like chest for me to store all of my toys inside of it. It was so big, we both had to carry it out of the store, across the parking light to our family’s maroon Volvo. The chest was big enough to fit a small body inside of it.

My mother’s skin was fair, very light and she had long fine jet-black curly hair. People usually mistook her for being anything but Black. They mostly thought she was Hispanic. People would just walk up to her speaking Spanish. I didn’t understand why they would do this. To me she was just mommy.

 So there we were, almost dragging this chest across the concrete parking lot, when an elderly white man walked by us and spit at us. He yelled,

 “Damn niggers! You need to use that to go back where you came from!” My mom yelled back,

” You brought us here! You take us back!”

 “Go back to Africa, that’s where you all belong!” At the time, I didn’t understand what either of them meant. We were from Jersey, so it’s where I thought we belonged.  My mom stopped and dropped her side of the chest while I was still trying to drag it on my own.

   “Mommy, what’s a nigger?” I asked looking up to her.

   “He’s a nigger!” She yelled at the white man. “Nigger means ignorant! He’s a nigger!” The old man continued to walk inside the store. My mom was so disturbed and angry. I’d never seen her so mad. Her light skin turned red, her eyes began to swell up with tears. Once we got to the car, she unlocked the truck and lifted it by herself. We sat in the car, and drove home in silence.

That was my very first memory of racism; the second time was not long after moving into the suburbs of South Orange, New Jersey. A town that was predominately white. My elementary school was in Maplewood, which was the next town over from South Orange, so my mom decided to familiarize herself with the area by driving around the neighborhood. We saw a small quaint park and decided to stop… We pulled into a parking space where a white lady and her daughter were sitting. Her mom turned to look at our car, she appeared to be frightened by the sight of us. She immediately locked her car doors and told her daughter to sit back. She pressed the gas so hard that he wheels screeched as she took off. The women’s reaction didn’t make sense. I didn’t even want to get out of the car anymore. I asked my mom if we could just go home. It was that exact moment that I actually didn’t want to be black. There was absolutely nothing I could do to change the color of my skin. It was and is the way I am born, and I’ll die black.

     Today, we have a new title for black; we’re called African American. Although, I find myself struggling with this appointed title everyday. I’ve been in America my entire life and embarrassingly have never left the country, yet I do not feel American and do not know its culture. I dwell it this land, abide by the laws and yet feel no true connection to the founding fathers of its nation. For years, black kids and their people are told and taught only of their slavery ancestry. We constantly throw the N-word around as though it holds no power over us, and truly for me it doesn’t, but that’s like saying I’m not bothered if someone calls me out of my name. I think it’s all in one’s perception.

     So how do I explain and define this word to my son when he becomes of age? What do I tell him? I have few ideas. I can start by giving him the origin and root of the word, and then bring him up to date in how rappers and comedians use this word today to entertain their audience. Admittedly, even I have used the word jokingly amongst friends and family, but hearing it come out of someone of another race’s mouth has been quite offensive. I recently saw a video of 3 little white boys no older than 10 years of age dancing to some hip-hop song. They were completely off beat and corny as they tried to rap along to the lyrics and all I caught or even understood was them using the using the N-word. That was not okay… I’m sure they knew no better, but where are the parents, and can I blame the parents if my own race still condones the use of the word within their own songs?

     Sure we can all argue that it’s just a word, and for some it truly is just a word, but for our elders who fought against this word, and for my mom who on that day back in 1984, and the younger me, it was not and did not feel like just a word. For years, I never said it, not even jokingly and no one around me said it. It was the word we heard only in movies like, Roots, The Color purple or old documentaries focusing on Civil Rights. Back then we weren’t aloud to forget the origin of something and today it’s as though people celebrate the knowledge of knowing it and then using it like it’s a word of strength and compliment. I’ve often heard celebrities say, “it’s just a word” that’s their excuse for going along with the consensus of those who’d like for us to forget the origin of the word. I can not take the history away from the word and the power behind it, but I did not learn it from listening to music, and no one in my household spoke this word. It was a different time, where words carried weight and this particular word carried a lot of pain especially for me.

Organic & Natural Hair Product Review

Spring is in the air… Have you chosen the best hair care regimen yet? How about those products, have you decided which one works best for your hair type? Share your thoughts…

Beautiful Joi

Recognize any of the following hair products???

As a Natural Hair Enthusiast I always look at the ingredients of the hair products I buy; then if at all possible I do the sniff test. I like products that smell good enough to eat; two of my favorite scents are Coconut & Lavender.

A lot of products claim to be Organic; as well as, nourishing and healthy for natural hair. Then if it’s not full of junk and a whole bunch of things I can’t pronounce, I may actually buy it.

Here is my review: The product with the worst ingredients is “Organic Root Olive Oil” not so organic… Here are the Pros: smells good, holds the curls, but it DRIES OUT THE HAIR… I’ve learned that the more ingredients within a product the less organic the product. I counted nearly 35-40 different ingredients, and one of the main ingredients…

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Don’t Believe In New Years Resolutions???

I’ve never really believed in New Years Resolutions… If you’re gonna change, then you’re gonna change and I’m sure the date of the year will have no influence on that outcome. I believe in setting realistic goals and then taking the steps necessary to get there regardless of what it takes. Ultimately, we may have to live uncomfortably for a bit, deal with folk we’d rather not frequent, learn the impossible from the person we least expect, change ourselves for the better, prepare to fall, but wear the knee gear to get back up and Fight…

Some people believe that success without struggle isn’t success at all… Success is simply getting whatever you desire most, it’s what your passionate about obtaining and then going after it. Some roads are easier than others, yet the point still remains that we all must walk, limp, and sometimes even drag ourselves down this unknown road with no map, just our gut feelings and unstoppable drive to go on. I believe we’re all Gladiators within our own rights. And a New Years Resolution will not change that… When it’s your time you’ll know it and you’ll be ready, and you’ll definitely be great.

So come what may 2013 “we’re” coming for you with no resolutions in hand instead we come with realistic goals, hope you understand…