“Sex and Relationships…” For some couples, those two words don’t even seem right together… But why is that? Well, I don’t know how to explain it, but at some point, that spark or flame begins to dim and for others, it simply goes out. Sadly, some never get it back.
It’s funny how sex is one of the most prominent things in the very beginning of a relationship or least something we’re constantly craving and desiring from the other person, but once we finally have that person at our disposal it’s like we don’t want it from them anymore. It’s equivalent to having cable with one channel.
A few weeks back, one of my male friends sent me a text message. It read, “Hey! We really need to talk.” and while that does not seem so alarming, it was to me because he’s been dealing with a lot of personal things.
I text him back that I’d call him once I wasn’t driving. When I called him, I was prepared to listen and to simply be a friend. At first, we did the normal quick catch up convo on ‘how are you?’ ‘How are the kids?’ and so on. So finally, I said,
“So what’s up?” He took a deep breath and began to talk. He started saying how good things have been with his wife and the kids. I immediately told him that was good news and then he said,
“But damn it! We haven’t had any sex!” There was a long pause on my end. “Hello? You still there?” He asked.
“Ummm… I’m still here.” I muttered.
“Oh. Did you hear what I said?” He asked. I heard him loud and clear. I was trying to gather the right words. I didn’t feel like I had any answers or a good response at the moment. So he continued to speak. “Well… The thing is, I’m thinking of stepping out. Ya know, perhaps find me another woman for sex.” Again, there was silence on my end and then I began to speak.
“Let me start by saying that I am not the person to give any advice. But I can tell you that having sex with another woman won’t do your marriage any good. If your goal is to grow the intimacy within your marriage, having sex with another woman won’t help. Have you tried talking to her?” I asked him. But then I began thinking about how the topic of sex only makes matters worse when you speak to your spouse about how they need to put out more. This seems to be mostly an issue men deal with. I don’t know too many women who’ve had an issue getting sex from their spouse.
A woman simply doesn’t operate the same as men. We are emotional beings and thus must be stimulated beyond the physical. Whereas it seems like, if the wind blows a certain way, men are erect and ready to go with one touch or kiss. So if we’re pissed off or tired, you’re probably going to have to just deal with it. But, we’re easily excited by chores being done around the house, foot and back rubs. And when all else fails, cunnilingus will certainly do the trick.
So how do we bring sex and marriage back together? A big part of me believes you can’t, but I know it can be done. It starts with looking at the bigger picture and root cause for your lack of intimacy.
Ask yourself: Are you mad and holding on to something your spouse or partner said or did. Are you or your spouse still healing from past trauma? And lastly, was the sex ever good, to begin with? Of course, these are just a few of baseline questions that many couples may face. But it’s important to know that the change can only begin with you and your partner .
Beautiful Joi 
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